A couple weeks ago, I decided to do a reboot of the diet. My reading on Fibromyalgia led me to discussions of Celiac disease and how much of an overlap there is between the two. I figured that going back to a basic diet of protein, vegetable, and fruit for a week or two would be a good reset. What I didn’t expect was how much different I would feel.

The pain in my knee went away almost entirely. The fatigue went from being a daily battle is now just an occasional struggle. Instead of sleeping six fitful hours I’m now down for nine and feeling well-rested. The cognitive issues — difficulty concentrating and remembering — have improved drastically. My GI issues have also made a very welcome change for the better.

Maybe it’s not Fibromyalgia after all. Maybe it’s a combination of the two. Lupus still hasn’t officially been ruled out but I should find that out Thursday. In any case, I feel better and that’s what counts. I’ve re-introduced everything but gluten in my diet and I still feel good. The one day I did try eating gluten, well, let’s just say it wasn’t a fun day. I’m relatively sure we’re no longer on speaking terms. The only problem is that diagnosing Celiac usually requires you to be on a gluten-rich diet and, uh, hell no.

Now that my brain is getting back to normal, I’m finding that I am far behind where I’d like to be in pretty much everything. Clarion’s coming up quickly so I’m finishing what I can now and you can be sure that there will be much ass kicking and fixing of things once I return.

Good news:

• Kidneys and Thyroid are normal.
• It’s not Multiple Sclerosis.
• It’s probably not Lupus.

The bad news:

• There is still a chance it could be Lupus, so I had more blood drawn to confirm/deny.
• I do have Fibromyalgia. All of the symptoms fit.
• I need to have a sleep test to determine if I’m suffering from sleep apnea or cataplexy, and to see if it explains the occasional fugue states I sometimes experience.

I will have a lot more to say about Fibromyalgia. Right now I’m still in the acceptance phase, which isn’t always easy. Figuring out my limitations and triggers is going to take some time. I’ve already started re-evaluating my diet, to try and determine what foods may be causing flares. I imagine that this could be a long process of self-discovery.

I also have just over a month before I leave for Clarion, so I’m going to be busy wrapping up all of the legal and medical stuff, and reading. Lots and lots of reading. Lots of work, too. And when Clarion is over, I can go back home to Canada. If I’m quiet, sullen or manic, well, you know why.

• I owe a bunch of money I don’t have
• I don’t have a lot of time to pay it

I’ll be figuring out a plan of action over the next week, but I’ll find a way of pulling it off and put that bill behind me. It may be time to say goodbye to my desktop computer and monitors, though. Anything I can do without, I will. I’m pretty accustomed to life on the laptop now anyways. Frankly, the more I can get rid of, the less I have to move and the sooner I can do it.

Health-wise, it’s been an odd week. I had a theory about all of the symptoms I’m having. Between the autoimmune and similarities between Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, and Lyme Disease, I decided to get re-tested for Lyme. I spent last summer taking care of Dad in Wisconsin and had more than a few tick bites for my efforts. The good news is that test came back negative. The bad means we’re no closure to figuring out what’s wrong. Next week, I hope, will start bringing some answers.

I’ve also had three nights this week where I’ve been in bed before 10pm and slept more than 8 hours. That’s highly unusual for me. It felt good while it lasted. The insomnia and restlessness seems to be back tonight, but hey, I also wrote 300 words of a new story so I won’t complain.

Tomorrow I’m off by train to Chicago for the day. I have a meeting for the day job that will hopefully lead to bigger and brighter things for the company. More resources means more time I can spend doing the things that make money, which takes care of many of our current worries.

My friends and family, you are all awesome. I miss being home with Andrea and the menagerie dearly but this is turning into a life lesson about getting things done that need doing and not procrastinating. Summer will fly by, debts will be settled, and life will move on together.

I went to my primary care physician (PCP) on Monday to have a few persistent issues looked at. What started as a simple checkup turned into a week long ordeal in which I was poked, prodded, and gently cupped by the warm hands of two upstanding gentleman.

The first issue was a lump on my right testicle, now affectionally know as the double-yolk. It has been there for fifteen years or so. I saw a Urologist when it was first discovered and he deemed it benign. When I noticed blood in my ejaculate recently, I knew it was time to get it looked at again. Gentlemen, be sure to perform regular self-exams.

The second issue was for continued, persistent nerve pain. It started with a bang last July and was diagnosed as a pinched nerve in my shoulder by an ER doctor. That pain comes and goes, but the nerve pain has spread across my upper back, lower back, and from my hips to my knees. Additionally, I have some confirmed but not identified nerve damage causing the left side of my left foot to be numb. A history of balance issues and ringing in the ears going on two years now, both concentrated on the left side of my body, with chronic nerve pain, sets off some red flags.

Additionally, I’ve been having issues with temperature control. For a several weeks my normally warm feet were freezing. I took to wearing socks around the house, even if I was wearing shorts. I was also breaking out into a sweat just sitting and watching TV, no exertion required. The doctor was concerned that something autoimmune was at foot.

I peed in a cup, gave up a few vials of precious blood and got referrals for a Urologist and Neurologist. On my last appointment, my PCP told me to make an appointment with a Neurologist but the one I wanted to see was booked solid for two months. I called him late Monday morning and lucked into an open spot the next day.

Tuesday morning I head to court to find out how much of my ex-wife’s lawyer I have to pay. There end up being scheduling issues and the hearing is postponed til next month. From there I head to the Neurologist, Dr. Echiverri. He looks over the medical records I brought with me, tested my reflexes and eyes and listened to my symptom history. This is where things get interesting.

Four years ago I went through a period of six or nine months where I randomly lost my balance, but only to the left side. My doctor at the time suggested a handful of possibilities, including allergies and Multiple Sclerosis (MS). After lots of trial and error with allergy medicine, my balance improved. The doctor chalked this up to successful treatment and sent me on my merry way. For my part, I was just happy that I wasn’t listing like the Titanic.

Dr. Echiverri stopped me and said that I should have an MRI as soon as I had balance issues without dizziness. He agreed that there was some concern about the possibility of MS and literally escorted me to the scheduling department and told them to get me in that day. Ninety minutes later I was a human tampon wedged into an electromagnetic vagina.

Wednesday I went to the Urologist, who agreed that the lump doesn’t seem to be an immediate concern and that the blood I saw can happen occasionally. Because of my family history of kidney problems and my Diabetes, he ordered some tests.

I had an ultrasound and X-ray of my kidneys Thursday morning, and on the fifth day I rested.

Yesterday I called my primary doctor to check on the results of my blood work and ask them to fax me a copy. An hour or so later I get a call back from his nurse, a very nice lady named Cookie. Whenever a nurse starts off a conversation with “Now don’t panic when you read this” you know your day is about to take a left turn. The “Anachoice (R) Screen” and “RNP Antibody” tests came back positive. From the diagnostics lab:

RNP antibody is found in patiences with mixed connective tissue disease in high titer. This antibody may also be seen in systemic lupus erythematosus and other connective tissue diseases. A positive result at this stage of testing stops further testing, and does not preclude additional positive antibodies. Clinical correlation is required to access the need for testing other analytes.

The first time I read this I stopped when I saw Lupus. Some armchair research shows that these positive tests can also be an indicator for MS. So now I have an appointment with Rheumatologists, who will continue the diagnose why my body is being emo, and a follow-up with the Neurologist to see what my brain looks like. I have to wait a month for both appointments, though.

This morning, I went to the Cardiac Clinic for a nuclear stress test. The nurse injected me with saline and a tracer, ran me through a machine to take pictures of my heart, forced me to hustle on a treadmill at needlepoint while injecting more tracer and stuck me back into the machine.

As they were explaining the procedure to me, I asked how long the radioactive dye would stay in my system. I was planning to head home to Canada afterwards. I got a wide-eyed stare, and she called the nurse who would make my roll for gaining a superpower. She told me that Friday would be the earliest I should go. The radioactive tracer is externally detectable and she had a patient that was stopped and had their truck torn apart, including the seats removed, at the border and that with a note from the clinic detailing the procedure and elements used.

Look — crossing the border is already a stressful experience. The very last thing I want to do is trip someone’s geiger counter and get flagged as suspicious or turned away. As eager as I am to get home and see my better half, our pets, John, and Mom R., I want to do so with the least chance of being jellyfingered by a burly guard.

A lot of things are running through my mind these days. I am blessed that none of my symptoms point to anything immediately life threatening. Still, it does make one reevaluate their priorities in life. I’ve already spent weeks apart from my loved ones this year with more on the horizon, and too much of the time we have spent together has found me wasting time online. Priorities need to be adjusted from time to time and this is one of them.

I’m cutting out games that can’t simply be put down or away. If I can’t logout and pick back up where I left off another time, I’m sorry but we can no longer see each other. I’m going to force myself to get away from the laptop every day. Andrea and I will walk the dogs or go to the park; disconnecting will be good for us. It’ll help me focus on losing the excess weight that, while not the cause of all of my problems, certainly doesn’t help them.

One of my friends asked if this was going to impact my plans of going to Clarion this summer and I didn’t have an immediate answer to that. Clarion is a unique opportunity. One thing I’ve asked myself is if I could put it off a year. Sure, it’s possible, but next years instructors might not be ones that I feel a connection with. Or work might be different, living situations changed, etc. Putting it off is a slippery slope that can lead to a lifetime of regret. I guess the long answer is no, this is’t going to impact my going to Clarion.

I have very few answers to the medical puzzle that is my body. I should have more test results this week, and several follow-up appointments next month. I don’t know if I have MS or Lupus (Dr. House says that it’s never Lupus) or something else unconsidered. I’d rather know what is causing this rather than treating symptoms at random and I think I finally have the right doctors for that.

My tribe is awesome. The outpouring of support has been overwhelming. If you’ve tweeted or emailed me, thank you. I’ve often felt like an outsider in this wonderful extended family of ours but this week has shown me that is not the case.

Last year when my Dad needed surgery, we packed up our dog and cat show and headed north to take care of him. I worked my forty plus, ran errands, made sure doctors appointments were made and kept, and did the occasional shuffle from Tomahawk, WI to Minneapolis, MN for check-ups with the surgeons. Three months later, Dad was healed up and I was falling apart, freshly diagnosed with at least one pinched nerve and Diabetes.

My body had been trying to tell me something and I finally had to stop and listen. “Only human.”

Tomorrow I’m heading back to Illinois. There’s one more post-divorce court date to attend to. More importantly, I’m *cough* getting to that age when it’s prudent to get ones pipes cleaned and tubes checked. I can’t ignore the aches, pains and lumps any longer. The doctor awaits my arrival Monday morning and there I’ll stay until we get things fixed.

I have a lot of things to look forward to: an awesome wife and best friend, adventures living in a new country, writing. Who knows, maybe kids will be in our cards, too. I need to be as healthy as I can so I can enjoy that life.

Most of the effects of the flu are gone, knock on wood. My energy seems to be the last thing to return. I’ve been regularly sleeping 10-12 hours/day, which is a far cry from my usual 6-7. It’s cut into my writing time severely, including updates here and on twitter. I suspect I’ll be back to normal in a few more days and will be back to work on things. End of month deadlines that must be met, flu or no flu.

Six and a half years ago I had a pretty good bout with depression. I recognized it and, most importantly, sought help for it. One of the unintended side effects of anti-depression medicine is that it’s used to treat a number of afflictions. When the depression had been treated I was weaned off of the medication and things were fine — for a while. I was pretty sure that the old blues were back again and a trip to the doctor today confirmed those fears.

There’s more to how I’ve been feeling than just depression, and it’s probably my bigger concern. I’ve suspected it for a while but it’s been all but confirmed now. I have social anxiety disorder. I imagine there will be two types of reaction from people that know me — disbelief and confirmation. With some people I am more or less at complete ease but in other situations I fall all over myself. When the anxiety kicks in, I either stutter or start talking fast and can’t stop myself, or stop talking all together.

Imagine living inside of a glass box with a one-way speaker, so you can see and hear everything going on around but no one can year you no matter how loud you scream or shout. That’s a little bit what it’s been like dealing with this anxiety. I try to talk, I want to talk, but the words won’t come out. It’s frustrating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.

I’ve had this for a long time. Probably before the first bout of depression. I remember the first time I had a panic attack, close to a decade ago and the anxiety I feel every time I go to a convention or to any place where I have to interact with people. Trying to talk to a well-respected writer at a convention, only to end up mumbling and walking away? I’ve been that guy, on more than one occasion.

One of the reasons why I suspected there was something more than shyness or nervousness happening is that I want to interact. I want to walk up and talk to people, to ask questions, participate in conversation, and be normal. On rare and special occasion I meet someone that I feel so at ease with that I can talk and talk and talk. Online conversations are also something that comes easier than face-to-face but even those I sometimes struggle with because my lack of social experience makes it difficult to how to respond to some things.

Some people don’t like social interaction. I do. I want to be a part of the conversation and not just a witness to it. I have a voice but cannot speak. The words fail to materialize, a spell broken before its even cast.

It’s been a long and stressful day and I’m rambling a bit. Treating the depression also treats the anxiety. The roots of the anxiety need to be exposed so they can be chopped away so that I can be free of it once and for all. I need this for me, and I need it for my family. They deserve me at my best so we can enjoy life together instead of watching it pass us by.